Return to the Ancient Order of Moisticus
Russell Andes dislikes speaking about himself in the third person. I also dislike writing biographies in the first. Which leaves the second, of course. Hmm...
You are Russell Andes. You were born in the first days of the 1980's, paving the way for Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, some or perhaps all of the various boy bands (which you do not believe to be separate entities, thinking them rather to be merely incarnations of the primordial, gestalt Boy Band), and many other modern pop sensations. You went to various formative schools--your deeds while there are legendary, and need not be repeated here. Suffice it to say, the internal combustion engine, rotary till and plastic food industries will never be the same.
Your single semester excursion into the wacky world of Brigham Young University you remember with great fondness--the food wasn't bad, you made friends quickly, and living in a veritable Mecca of hot women helped soothe what little homesickness you had left. As you no doubt recall, your studies there weren't focused in any particular field, but rather aimed toward completing general education requirements. You're not sure what you want to do with your life. You have many interests--film, writing, moonlit walks on the beach--but none which particularly stand out. Except the moonlit walks on the beach, and there aren't many people who'd pay you for doing that--not anyone respectable, anyhow.
Currently, you're working for a monolithic bookselling establishment as a "Lead Bookseller," and plan to leave on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints at some point in the near future, where you will spread the gospel and several contagious diseases throughout some undetermined part of the world. Until then, you remain, as always...Russell Andes.
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